Power/Strength vs. Victim/Weakness

Before I started writing this blog, I was still struggling with staying on track with maintaining my weight and I’m still learning about what makes me get out of control with my eating behavior.

When I am doing great and in control of what I eat, I find myself wondering how I was ever in a bad place.   What made me cross over to the other side?  When I am out of control, I wonder about the same thing but in the reverse.  How did I get back in control of my behavior?   It’s as if there is a very thick concrete wall preventing me from breaking free of the behavior.

The behavior I’m talking about is an extreme amount of energy around food – the obsessive thoughts about my next meal.   It’s not necessarily poor choices and sugary desserts, it’s the behavior of racing to the pantry as soon as I get home from the gym and eating another breakfast or putting granola on my yogurt and then finishing the entire bag of granola, etc.

Recently I went through the cycle and tried to understand my thoughts and feelings within each one.   When I’m in control I am self-confident and feeling strong with everything I’m doing in my life.   I am organized at home; I am productive at work and I’m managing my finances and so on.   I am busy with all positive things I enjoy doing.

When I’m out of control with my behavior I am in “victim mode”.  I am feeling that there isn’t anything in my life I have control of, and I am the victim of the circumstances around me.   I need something to look forward to and food is in my control.   As I have said in past blogs, I eat so fast that it really isn’t about what I eat or even the food.   It’s that I can control something and can say yes to something.  And yes, that instant gratification is addicting.

I have also discovered that I’m a happiness junkie.  I love to have a little burst of happiness – something in my day to look forward to.  I’m putting together a list of things that I can do to give me my happiness high – that don’t cost me money!!   For example, I love to create and do advertisements.  I can get lost for an hour just finding one specific graphic out of thousands of just one object for a design.  I also love being motivated by the experts on business or success.  There are thousands of great seminars on You Tube.

Today was a good day.  I did well with getting over the concrete wall to better behavior.   It started with exercising to a Podcast by Gary Vaynerchuk (obsessed), then I wrote “I am enough” with a lipstick on my bathroom mirror (it was on the Today Show).   Who knows when I finish writing this, I might even do the superhero stance for five minutes just to seal the deal!

Thank you for reading.  The Effort is in the Attitude.