Feeling Fraud

I started and stopped writing this edition of my blog many times.  It is difficult to write.   At this point in my life I thought I was successful as someone who conquered the weight loss issues, the food addiction issues.  Yet here I sit struggling, not happy where I am.

I have been much lower with my weight, approx. 9 pounds lower.   I knew when I was there it was pushing it and was content to gain a couple of pounds.  I gained those couple of pounds and then fell victim to too many carefree weekends and holidays and moved up to a plateau where I have resided for the past year.   I was okay with that.  However, the problem is that when you’re obsessed you spend every waking moment worried.

I know everything there is to know about losing weight.  I truly do.  But there are moments that I literally shake for wanting to eat something.   I lose the ability to redirect my thoughts to anything else.  Something else takes over and my breathing is accelerated, and I snack and can’t stop.   What has helped me from packing on pounds is that I am at the gym every day.  But to work that hard at the gym to stay at the same weight, and even gain a pound here and there is exasperating.

I hit an emotional low and just wanted to sleep and make the obsession go away.  The next day I started again.  However, this time I had the day off and just did those things that made me happy.   I gardened all day and organized my home.  I skipped exercise which normally gives me terrible anxiety, but I just wanted to be happy and focus on what I love.  I ended up skipping my exercise routine for an entire week!   That was the first time in a dozen or so years that I have done that.

The outcome was awesome!  I actually lost weight!  I was so focused on doing what I loved that I wasn’t thinking about my next meal.  I didn’t expect to quit exercising because I recognized that I had the energy to accomplish so much because I was in good shape.  When  I did decide start exercising again, I couldn’t wait.   I usually listen to music and podcasts while I exercise, and I was looking forward to hearing new content.

I am always learning new things about diet and myself.  Many times, I lose it and want to give up but every – single – morning I start again.  I am hard wired to need to be in shape.  Too many formative years of associating negative emotions and pain to being overweight.  While I can understand where I am and who I am that is something that will never go away.

As I said this was difficult to write.  My intent with this blog was to share what I have learned and my success.  However, admitting to struggling every day made me question if I should be sharing.  Do I have the answers for others?  Why should they listen to me?  Am I a fraud?

I came to the conclusion that I am not a fraud.  I am someone addicted to food.  Don’t know why – just am.  I start every day to work on myself and this blog is for those with similar struggles who get it.   They get it and my hope is that they never give up.  Start every day.  Try everything.  When something doesn’t work or did but doesn’t now, try something else.

This is my truth.  Thank you for listening.