Cemented Hurt

When are told something about yourself at a young age it is forever cemented in who you believe you are.  Indeed, the messages we receive during our formative years can leave lasting impressions that influence our beliefs about ourselves for a lifetime.

I was reminded of this when I watched an interview of Donald Sunderland in his later years. I believe he was approximately 82   The interview was on 60 minutes.  He illustrated this phenomenon beautifully. This was an incredibly successful man in his field. Most would only know that about him. Famous and gifted actor with confidence and power.

However, he was called “Dumbo” because his ears were large, and they compared him to that of the elephant character with large ears. When he asked his mother if he was good looking, she told him “Your face has character Donald.”   He went to his room and cried and did not come out for a long time. In his later years, on one of his additions, he was told he was a great actor, but they were looking for that “guy next door.”  They said his face made him look like he wouldn’t live next to anyone.

When he recalled these memories his eyes had visible tears in them, causing the interviewer to ask how long he had carried that feeling with him. He said about 65 years with a chuckle. Despite his success and accomplishments, the scars of childhood experiences—like being teased or receiving ambiguous compliments—can linger, affecting how he perceived himself even into old age.

This serves as a reminder that outward success does not always equate to inner confidence or self-acceptance. That’s it – that’s what happens when you are told by others how you look and who you are.  I remember meeting my therapist and asking if you are made to feel a certain way about yourself for twenty-some-odd years, does it take another twenty years to recover? The answer is no. No, because you never recover. You survive and perhaps even thrive.  You continue to function in society and succeed to the outside world, always knowing inside your psyche what you have been told. It’s not a daily thought, but it comes out when there are triggers.   Triggers can be different for everyone depending on their life experiences.

It’s an important aspect of psychological healing: while recovery from early negative experiences might not mean returning to a “baseline” state, it can involve learning to recognize and manage those ingrained beliefs. Many people find that understanding and addressing these triggers can help mitigate their impact.

Sharing experiences, as Donald Sunderland did, can foster connection and help others realize they are not alone in their struggles. If you feel this was also, I truly hope you know you are not alone and you are able to thrive. You are seen and are amazing!