Did You See? She’s Fat Again!

What’s worse than being fat?  Being fat, losing weight, gaining weight and being fat again.  Been there in the past and here now.

There have been many times throughout my life that I lost weight only to gain it back again.  The first time I lost weight I was thirteen.   I lost weight in the Spring to the point of becoming on the verge of being anorexic.   I would count every calorie and remember being proud that I came up with a 200 calorie a day meal plan for myself.  I was excited that it was so much better than my 500-calorie plan.  Obviously that was not sustainable, coupled with my young age and immaturity I was destined to fail.

The second time I lost weight I was eighteen and my senior year of high school.   I made it through the summer doing well and started gradually gaining weight into my freshmen year.  Following that summer and entering my sophomore year I had “successfully” gained all the weight back and then some.  It was tough going back to college being ashamed of myself and wondering what people were saying behind my back about my weight gain.  Little did I know that was said directly to me would be more hurtful.  

My first day back in Dr. Kim’s math class I took the front row center.   It was the second year in a row having Dr. Kim as a math professor.  As he took attendance and came upon my name he glanced around the room and his eyes found me in my seat.  He looked down and said in front of the class, “you got bigger” in a shocked Asian accented voice.  I sat there stunned and numb.

Hence the title of this blog.   You know they are thinking it because at times they actually say it.  For some reason people don’t think you know you “got bigger” and need to point it out to you.  It comes in many forms and people think they are helping you.  I have never lost weight because I was shamed.   I have lost weight because I wanted the happiness, I saw others having – the thin others.

Leading into my junior year I lost weight again.   This time I was able to keep it off until I gained the weight of having babies.   I gained more than the “baby”, but I was able to get that extra weight off eventually.   So, I give myself credit for staying “not fat” from the age of about twenty to my late fifties.  

Then came Covid.  With Covid and the shutdowns also came the unexpected passing of my brother-in-law and caring for my aging parents.   My psyche wasn’t ready for any of this.  I am a very regimented person and now my life was, and is, anything but.   I am up approximately 15 pounds above my lowest weight.  Granted my lowest was likely too low, but a solid 10 pounds is needed for me to lose to get back into my clothes and feel good!

Here I sit, assuming that people have noticed my weight gain and likely talking.  I just ask that you keep any thoughts to yourself.   I know I gained weight.  I have mirrors at home.  I have a scale.  I have clothes that don’t fit.   But I will lose the weight.  I know I will because I have done it in the past.  I have the skills.  The skills just need to be adjusted to fit my new regimen and while I grieve my hardest loss yet – the passing of my father who was physically a rock until the very end at the age of 88.  This next challenge is for you Daddy.

P.S. The photo posted is when I was my thinnest as an adult. You will never see me post a “fat” photo. I don’t believe in posting any photo that makes me feel embarrassed.